Session 12: Keeping a Solution Focus At All Times

This next segment is on solution focus and I'm going to talk to you about a powerful set of tools that you can use immediately to start to get new results with clients. Now solution focus technology is like a huge field and there's like some awesome stuff to learn and so there's probably more than I have time to cover but I want to give you just a couple of quick nuggets that will help you really dramatically transform your coaching with people. So I'm going to draw something up on the board that I think will really help illustrate what this is and why it's important to you. When somebody comes in for coaching, now remember coaching is just about helping people with their performance and so what we want to do is we want to help people get from where they are to where they want to be. So imagine here, this is the person that's coming in to see you for their coaching, we're going to talk about what that means, we're looking to increase their performance and the person usually will feel like they are totally stuck from getting to where they want to go.

So it's like over here, let's say the person has a financial goal, over here is money and over here is my current situation and it's like I would want to go over here to money but there's this giant chasm between me and my obstacle and what will happen as you're helping people is that most people, everybody put your hand right in front of your face like this, what most people do is they see this, they're like I can't see past my problem, I've just got this thing stuck right in front of me and I don't know how to get past it and so your job basically, if I was to describe all coaching, all human performance in like one statement, it would be how do I help somebody get from here to here? Now what if it's not money? What if it's like love? I probably should have done that like in red or something like that, right? But how do I help the person get from here to here?

Now what happens a lot of the time is that people will focus exclusively on where they are right now, right? Now if you've ever been in a problem and you've been like obsessed with your problem and you can't stop talking about it, raise your hand, be honest, be honest, right? And like everybody you see that you can open up to, you immediately start whining and complaining about your current situation, how there's this giant gap between you and where you're going and how you can't get to the other side, right? Is that true? That is true.

Now here's what I'm going to say. The faster that you help your clients, now remember a client could be a child, like your own kid. You're trying to coach your kid, you're trying to help your kid pass their problems. Your client could be an employee, could be a team member, it could be somebody that has come to you and paid you for services, right? On a daily basis.

I'm seeing people over and over and over again throughout the day that are looking for help, overcoming their current situation. And here's what I'm going to say, the faster you can turn the person's eyes away from their current situation and get them looking at where they're going, the faster you're going to help them get results. In a nutshell, here's my belief. If half of your session after the first session, because it might take you a minute to figure out what's going on, if half of your session with somebody on a first session is spent talking about their problem, you have probably spent way too much time talking about their problem. Really after a first session, like 80% of your talk should probably be solution talk almost all the time.

Almost all the time. So if you have a choice to focus in on a problem or to focus in on a solution, I recommend you focus in on a solution, right? Why a solution? Because people will start to focus their energy on where they want to go. Now what I'm going to give you is I'm going to give you some techniques here that will help you turn a conversation around and turn things towards a solution.

But first let me tell you a story, okay? This is a true story about a couple that went in for marriage therapy. Marriage therapy is, in my opinion, one type of coaching that specializes in a very specific thing. This couple was on the brink of total disaster. Total divorce.

So they went in to see this therapist. They had gotten a good recommendation. They got out and said, who's really good? Who can we go to? And the therapist spent an hour and a half poking into the problems, amplifying the problems, digging them deep into the feelings.

And what happened is the couple, because this is the couple here, let's see, I don't know how to distinguish stick figures, male and female, but this is like a couple, husband and wife couple. And they were going for love. And all the therapist did basically was to point their attention down into the chasm. This is where fire is. That's fire, right?

I could draw it like in, you know, and there's like an angry mouth person that's waiting to like swallow them down here, right? So there's like, you know, right? So there's like this person down here just waiting to swallow them up into the fiery depths of like destruction down there, right? And all the therapist did was to like basically send them down into the deep, dark abyss of fire and brimstone for their relationship. As they left, the husband and the wife were both contemplating suicide.

Not a joke. This is a real case. They were contemplating suicide because they were like, oh, it's just like, there's no hope for us because all that was focused in on was the problem. Okay. Now, now you're not a marriage therapist, probably unless you are.

Okay. But I'm telling you, if you're going to talk about problems, you got to talk about solutions. And I think that your balance inside of your session should be mostly on solutions, helping people turn their focus. How quickly, pretty dang quickly, like right away, you want to start getting people focused in on where they're going and how they can get there. Okay.

So let's go through a few ideas. Okay. And so one, one question that is commonly taught to people to get them to flip around and to start talking about solutions is what we call the miracle question. The miracle question. I did not invent this.

This comes out of solution focused brief therapy. It is an awesome coaching technique too. Okay. In, in the miracle question, basically what you do is you turn people from looking at a pit, which is where most people are looking when they're really stuck in a bad spot. And you say, if a miracle occurred and you woke up tomorrow morning and your problem was solved, it was like gone.

What would be different? And you just get people talking about that. Let's do a demo real quick. Can we pull you back up for a minute? Is that all right?

So go ahead and come on right up here. Yeah. Okay. Hold the mic please. Okay.

And hold the mic up like a rockstar there. Yeah. Okay. Don't even need to tell us about the problem or you can role play one if you want, but let's, let's do a role play that way. It's nice and safe.

Is that all right? Yeah. So what's a problem that somebody might have? Somebody that, you know, maybe somebody you've coached recently or somebody you've invited into like a conversation and tell us if it's like financial relationships or help. financial.

Okay. So financial, right? So, and the problem, the problem is again, fake problem or maybe a real problem that somebody else had is what? They just can't get past the check to check, you know, they can't get enough money coming in to free up the stress. Okay.

So there's stress and that's part of the problem, right? You see the gestures, there's stress and they can't get past the check to check. So rather than talking about how they can't get past it, we want to turn it to solutions as quickly as possible and getting them talking about and focusing in on the solution like as fast as you possibly can. So we're going to use the miracle question. Yeah.

So you've had this problem of living check to check and you're really just wanting to open up space, but you like don't know how, like tons of stress, right? Absolutely. Just imagine that a miracle had occurred, right? And you wake up now and the problem that was a problem has been dissolved. And because this miracle has occurred, you now have the result that you want.

So tell me, what's life like now that the miracle has occurred? Well, the stress is gone. That's right. What's there instead of stress? Yeah.

Just bliss. Bliss. Just lightness instead of the heavy, you know, dreary feeling. So bliss instead of like a heavy, dreary feeling. That's awesome.

Yeah. What else? What else are you noticing? More of a carefree, you know, instead of worry. Yeah, carefree instead of a worry.

That's awesome. Carefree feeling. Like a carefree feeling? Okay. And what's that like?

It's ideal. It's ideal. Isn't it? It's where you want to be. Isn't that awesome?

-huh. Okay. Now we're going to pause for a minute so we can keep on going, right? But basically that's the technique. You use it to get the person to turn around.

Now, does the miracle question always solve the problem? No. No, but it gets the person starting to think about how things could change. And then we want to start talking about, well, what are you doing differently, right? You want to get into action talk.

What are you doing differently now that the miracle has occurred? Oh, well, I'm doing this and I'm doing that. Cool. Yeah. Can you start that now?

Right? So we just, but we start turning the conversation through a miracle. Now, sometimes people won't respond to the miracle question, so we use what I call the alternate reality question. I didn't invent this, but I don't think this comes out of solution-focused brief therapy. I don't remember who invented this, but basically if you can't get somebody to imagine a miracle, you imagine an alternate universe, right?

It sounds kind of goofy, but we're just going to role play that too. Same idea. We'll probably cut it off a little bit shorter so I can demo a few more things. But so you've had this problem of living paycheck to paycheck and you really want to de-stress. Is that right?

Yeah. Okay. So just imagine that, you know, I mean, quantum physics tells us there's like millions of alternate realities maybe spun out every second. There's got to be some alternate reality out there where you're like rich and prosperous and have a ton of money. So just, will you play with me for a minute?

Yeah, absolutely. Just imagine that like a giant portal opens and like, boom, there you are, you know, coming from an alternate reality and then you can like swap places and you're stepping into this alternate reality where you're totally prosperous and everything's working right. Tell me, how is that now as you think about it? Well, feels good. I mean, it's like we were saying, it's just, you can, you almost can float.

You can almost float. Yeah. Tell me, now that you're in this alternate reality where everything's going your way, what are you doing differently? Not working. Okay.

You're not working. What are you doing that's not working? Like you're not going and showing up for work. Well, you're not showing up for work. So what are you doing?

Oh, you're flying around the universe. You're bouncing around with no gravity. Okay. Awesome. Right.

That's pretty alternate. That's pretty alternate right there. Right. Now maybe a little more alternate than we want, but yeah, right. But that's okay.

But notice how his energy shift. Who noticed that his energy shifted? Okay. A big part. Raise your hand high if you did.

Okay. If one of the biggest problems that people have is they get stuck and locked up in emotion and part of what the miracle question does is it just gets them out of the motion and it gets them focusing in on something else. Okay. Now we're going to give him a huge round of applause. Okay.

Round of applause. Okay. Go ahead and sit down. So this is not the only thing that you're going to do, but this is a quick way to turn the question around and then you just keep on bringing people back to their solutions. Notice if he described the absence of something, what did I have him do?

Describe the presence of something. Right. Well, I wouldn't feel stressed. Well, if you're not stressed, what are you feeling now? Notice the languaging, right?

What are you feeling now? Well, I'm feeling open and then notice he's demonstrating openness. Okay. So that's the first solution focused technique is just to get people's eyes off of the jaws of hell, right, into an outcome. And that is the first technique is the technique to ask the miracle question.

Now there's lots more I can teach you about that, but literally just enrolling people in play. And if they can't do it for real, just getting them to play and to think about it, you will notice people's whole energy starts to open up and they start to take new actions because now they, what they've done from a psychological standpoint is they have moved into a place where the solution is possible. And now they're starting to think about how they get there. Okay. Now the next solution focused technique is a technique that's called scaling.

Okay. There's a bunch of ways to use scaling, but I'm going to just describe, I'm just going to describe one or two of them. Scaling is to ask somebody the question, how bad is it from zero to a hundred or zero to 10? Right? If like a hundred is terrible and zero is awesome, or zero is awesome and a hundred is terrible, whichever way you want to go, I think I said the same thing twice.

Okay. But, but you get the idea. If you scale it and you just ask people where they're at, there's some cool things that you can do. So who wants to, this is easier to demonstrate than it is to talk about. So who wants to have an interesting experience?

Raise your hand if you do. Okay. Pop on up. Big round of applause for her. Big round of applause.

Okay. Here she is. So I'm going to go ahead and ask you the question, you know, think about a problem you've got. Okay. Don't need to tell us.

Okay. You got a problem? Yes. Okay. Now think about it.

If like zero represents absolutely no energy around the problem. So it's like neutral and a hundred is like, oh, terrible. Where is this problem between a hundred and zero? Zero being gone. How intense is the problem?

Yeah. Like a hundred is bad. Okay. Fifty. Fifty.

Okay. Now without knowing anything about the problem, here's what I'm going to ask her. You know, fifties, you know, pretty bad, but like I know people who have problems that are like a 70, 80, 90, a hundred. So I got kind of a silly question. Is that okay?

If I ask it? Sure. Sure. Like how do you, how do you keep this problem from becoming a hundred? How have you done that so far?

I've been working on it and making some improvements. Okay. Okay. So you've been working on it. What have you been now?

I'm going to ask her specifically now, because this is like on camera, if she doesn't actually want to answer, you can make something up. Okay. Okay. Is that all right? So like, what have you been doing to work on it?

Losing a few pounds. Okay. So you've been losing a few pounds. How have you been doing that? Exercising and eating healthier.

So exercising and eating healthier are helping you. Yes. Okay. So, so I'm going to pause just for a minute and let's just focus in on what we did. We had her scale it.

And then basically what I asked her was, how do you keep this from getting worse? Some version of that. Does that make sense? Like, it's, let's say, let's take the last one where somebody says, man, I'm living paycheck to paycheck and I'm just having a terrible time. You know, I got this, all this stress.

You could go, well, how bad is the stress? Zero to a hundred. A hundred is being like terrible and zero is being, let's role play this. Is that all right? Can we do that?

Sure. Okay. So, you know, you, you say that you're like living paycheck to paycheck and your stress is like, you know, really bad. Like zero being, I'm not stressed at all at a hundred being, I'm really, really stressed out. Like how stressed are you?

Zero to a hundred. You're like a hundred. Okay. You're like really, really bad. Right.

Okay. Now I'll, I'll be honest. I have some clients that tell me it's like 120, which is like higher than the scale, but like you didn't do that. Right. So like, how have you kept it from like tipping off the scale?

I guess I don't worry that much about stuff. Okay. Yeah. But how do you keep yourself from worrying? Because this is really good.

Right. How do you prevent yourself from doing that? I try to maintain a positive attitude and focus on what I want rather than the problem. How do you do that? Meditation, exercise, playing with kids.

Okay. So we're going to pause again. Notice that by scaling, we can get her talking about like exceptions and that's where we're going here in a minute, but we can get her talking about things that are actually helping. She's like, oh yeah, I meditate, I exercise, even though it's really bad, I do this. Like some people would say it's like over the top.

You didn't say that. So even if it's a hundred, you're not stuck. Right. Does that make sense? So super useful strategy to start to shift someone's attention from what's not working to what's working.

Now we're going to do a couple more role plays. What we got you up here. Is that all right? Okay. So technique number one is magic question or alternate reality.

Okay. Both will work just to pop somebody out of the problem, getting them focused in on the solution. Second technique is to scale and to ask them, how do you, how do you keep it from getting worse or how did you keep it? Man, some people, when they're living paycheck to paycheck, they end up bankrupt. How do you keep from going bad?

How do you keep from going bankrupt? I mean, things got pretty tough, right? And then they might talk about their problem, but you want to quickly go, but no, come on. Seriously. Like it's not as bad as it could be.

So like, how do you keep from getting it that bad? Okay. Now I'm going to show you another trick. Okay. Now this one at first does not look like a solution focus, but it is.

It's kind of sneaky because you got to sneak up on people a little bit sometimes because they'll try to complain and you can help them complain a little bit and then you pop them back around in the solutions. Okay. So this is what I call actually looking for an exception where it gets worse. So let's say it's like an 80 this time. Right.

So like, so how bad is your stress been between like zero and a hundred, a hundred being really, really bad and 80 I bet it's gotten worse sometimes. Isn't that true? Yeah. So like how high does it pop up when it's like at its worst? 120.

Oh, like off the charts. Now, if it gets worse, it probably is also better sometimes. Sure. Yeah. So like, tell me about a specific time when it's been better when I get some peace and quiet.

Okay. So when you get a little peace and quiet, tell me, how do you create peace and quiet in your life? Hire a babysitter. Okay. Right.

So you hire, look at her blush. That's awesome. So she hires a babysitter. She gets a little bit of peace and quiet. Okay.

Now this is a kind of a sneak attack, right? Cause you're taking them worse first. Now, the reason I do this almost always, not always is because if you just go, well, I bet there's times when it's better. Like, no, there's never a time when it's better. But if you take them to where it's worse, they've already told you that the problem changes in intensity.

So it becomes okay to admit that, yeah, sometimes it's a little better. Almost always that will work, right? So that is, when is it worse? When is well, when is it better then? So this is what we call looking for exceptions.

Now looking for exceptions can be done by what are you doing? That's an exception. Or when are there moments of exception? So we're going to stay with the stress theme for just a minute, because this is a really common one. So things are pretty stressful right now.

If they're like 120, that's like, it's like huge, right? But there must have been a time in your life when things were like more calm or you wouldn't even know how to describe stress. Does that make sense? Yeah. So like, tell me about a time when you were like more calm in life.

Like a specific event? Yeah. Like this one time. And when I say calm, it could have been like calm for a minute, right? So like, when's a time when things were really like calm and peaceful in life?

Well, when I've been on... Okay, when you've been on vacation. That's a really good time, right? So like do you go like way out of town to have vacation or is it just like somewhere local? Both, right?

So does the vacation have to be longer than a day? No, so it could be like a short vacation. That's like somewhere nearby. Oh my gosh, that's not really a vacation. It's like hiking.

So when you're hiking it gets better. Sure. Sure. That's great Is there anything else that improves it? Well again the meditation exercise Okay, so we pop back So once we pop the person's mind over into a solution focus Then we can help them out now.

I want to be clear about something because I mentioned therapy earlier We're not therapists not unless you're licensed therapist. Are you are you actually therapist? We're using a strategy that comes from a certain therapeutic modality to do coaching Does that make sense the difference between a therapist and a coach is that a coach works with healthy people and a therapist works with People who have like psychological disorders, right? And that's the that's the difference so it makes sure you mind Your scope of practice means like where you should be playing, right? So play in the sandbox where you should be playing don't play in sandboxes that aren't meant for you Typically speaking nice healthy people who are goal focused are great places to help people Okay, so we want to I'm gonna write a couple things on the board.

Hang out here for a second, right? So number one Right. We have the magic question Where we turn people towards solutions second thing that we do is we can scale And as we scale we can ask when was it worse Well, that must mean it was it's been better and then what you want to get people talking about is specifically What were they doing differently in those times Right think about everybody right now think about a problem that you've had Okay, think about a problem that you've had or you've been having Now think about a time when you didn't have that problem and Just ask yourself and it could have been a long time ago or recently what were you doing Differently when you didn't have the problem and if you find at least one thing that comes to mind raise your hand Okay Where's the mic? Okay. Let's start over here.

Just real quick. One thing that you that you were doing when the problem wasn't a problem. I Didn't have the job that I currently have so you had a different job different job. Was there anything else? Nope.

Okay. Pass the mic. What was one thing that you were doing differently? Living with Awesome people so you surrounded yourself with awesome people right by living with them. Okay.

Awesome pass the mic back Okay, what was one thing that you were doing when your problem wasn't a problem I was very focused you were very focused Okay, was there anything else you were doing? Not particularly, I mean I was just very focused on my goals and I was really going for them You're really going for your goals. What were you doing to create that kind of focus? I Think I sort of Gave myself a one and only chance and told myself if you blow it then it's never gonna happen again And that's not true. But I had just sort of given my mind set Yeah from a mindset that I was gonna go for this It was a rare opportunity and I kind of knew it and I said to myself if you're not gonna do this Then you're gonna let yourself down for life and you'll never ever forgive yourself.

I know it's a bit intense That's a bit intense, right? Okay. Yeah, but still it work it worked for you. It really worked it worked for you Okay, round of applause for him round of applause Okay. So what we're gonna do we're gonna do one more one more quick thing So we got worse than better and then we're looking for exceptions To the rule and we want to help people Focus in on those exceptions and then when you find an exception you want to magnify it We're gonna do one more strategy and then we're gonna wrap this up and then we got a we got to move on to But let's go ahead and let's talk about the third strategy the third strategy is to make a comparison Okay, and Specifically you want to make a comparison to an area of their life where they're really strong and confident Okay, so without knowing anything about it.

I want you to think about a real problem Okay, and She's not gonna even tell us what it is because the problem is relatively irrelevant Okay, but I want you to think about an area of life where you were like, this is my gift This is what I'm awesome at. So what is that thing? The thing that you're good at not the problem You're always good in school, right what was your best subject in school? Math and science, okay round of applause for math and science. Okay, so you're like awesome at math and science, right?

And yeah, she blushes a little bit. She's telling me yes with you know, yes with her face and like oh I don't want to you know, I don't want to be like pretentious or anything like that. Is that about true? Yeah, okay. So she's she's really good at math and science now in math and science What was like your best subject ever?

Biology, okay. So if your problem was a biology test, how would you handle it? It wouldn't be a problem, why wouldn't it be a problem Because it just comes natural it comes natural and what's it like when you're totally natural. It's easy It's easy Yeah, but if you had a difficult problem in something that you were natural at how would you go about solving it? I guess I would look for solutions and study it until I felt confident with it.

And how would you do that? Let's say you didn't know where the solution was. How would you go about tackling it with a biology problem? I guess I would go to a professor or a textbook or now you can go to Google Right like appeal to the all-knowing Google, right? Yeah good Now if you think about that in relationship to your current situation, how can you apply that?

I Can and I have but I have the mental blocks with this problem. You have them you have mental blocks What if you didn't have mental blocks? What would that be like then? It'd be easy. It'd be really easy Yeah, so again if it was a biology thing How would you tackle it differently than you're tackling it right now?

I Would be more confident you do that would just work it would just work. Okay, and if you brought that confidence into your current situation What's that like? Easy Just imagine it. You've got the biology confidence now as you're tackling your issue. What's that?

What is it like now? Yeah, the confidence no more stress relaxed Yeah, easy and confident easy and confident. Yeah as you bring that ease and confidence into your future what changes I Reach my goal you reach your goal Imagine you're reaching your goal now with ease and confidence. What's that like? It feels good.

Okay now pause now this may not be enough to totally solve it But just ask yourself by watching her. Does she look the same or different than when she started talking about her problem? Yeah, who thinks she looks different. Yeah, now it might be a little bit different or a lot different Do we accept little differences? We do we accept them and then we magnify them and that's basically the essence of solution focused work So tell me do you feel a little different or a lot different either is fine and I went about the problem A little a little bit it loosened up a little bit.

How did it loosen up? Again it just feels a little easier and Confidence level that I could do it that you can do it. Okay. What are you gonna do differently now? That it feels just a little he's not a lot just a little easier Maybe actually take more action on it I have the confidence whereas when I had that disbelief that I could actually achieve it then I didn't take the action Yeah, so if you took just a little itty bitty action a teeny tiny one, okay You don't tell us but what would it be think about it?

Okay, what are you doing now? That's right. Okay, and she's imagining it. That's all we're doing with solution focused work We ask a magic question. We scale things we look for exceptions And then we have the person imagine doing those things over and over and over again Just returning them to a solution returning them to a solution.

Now if this comparison doesn't work. I could ask for another comparison What if it was a sport? What's your best sport? Maybe she doesn't do sports, right? What if it was mountain biking?

What if it was knitting if this was a knitting problem, you know, how would you handle it if she's good at knitting? I'm terrible at knitting or playing the guitar or something like that, right or like slam dunking the basketball, you know Whatever she's awesome at we take that and we make it we make it the issues every round of applause for her. Okay, now can you do the can you do these things with yourself? Absolutely. So for self coaching you can start looking at this and you can use these kinds of questions to turn your mind towards solutions But if you forget every technique that I just taught you One of the keys and being an awesome coach is just helping turn people's minds Back to solutions over and over and over and over again and getting them to describe that Solution that new action in detail asking them and once they get a hold of one ask them What's that like as you do that?

What do you know what's happening now and just getting them to put themselves into the solution getting somebody to step into the future We'll talk about that another time But this is it guys solution focused work is super powerful Super powerful and if you want to read more about it, you can read any book by Bill O'Hanlon Okay, William O'Hanlon has some awesome books on solution focused work And I'm probably mispronouncing his name but the chaser is another one who's written a bunch of books on doing good solution focused work and by helping clients point towards Solutions you can help people radically find Solutions help people focus on what's good and what's working and change lives