Modules 10 & 11: Pre-frame, Sort, and Build Rapport

Welcome back, welcome back. It is really good to have you here. What we're going to be talking about for the first couple of minutes is we're going to be giving a little bit more explanation about framing. We talked a lot about filtration and a little bit about framing. Now we've got to give a clear definition just to make sure that we're all on the same page.

Then we're going to actually dive in to the techniques of persuasion, to ethical persuasion. Let's just talk about what a frame is. A frame is essentially all of the beliefs and the perceptions that someone has around a certain topic. For example, let's imagine that inside of your frame that you are traveling on the airplane. You happen to be sitting right next to a child.

Has anybody ever flown on an airplane and you end up next to a kid? I have six kids, so I'm probably one of the guilty parents that has inflicted a child on your travel experience. That's just the truth. You're sitting there and we're going to draw out some airplane seats here for just a minute. These are airplane seats, probably not to code.

You can tell why I didn't make it as an artist. We've got our airplane seats here. Right next to you, three seats over, there is a very little person. You're actually standing on your seat because I don't know how to draw a sitting person. We'll put legs down like that.

It's awesome, right? You're sitting here and there is a very, very small person here. There is a lot of volume. Let's actually change the marker here. There is a lot of volume coming from the little person.

Let's be honest, guys. Who is going to be a little irritated? Raise your hand. Who is having sweet dreams of sitting up in first class? Those are the moments when you're like, this of course would not be your one hour leg in your flight.

This would be your 19 hour leg from Atlanta to Johannesburg or something like that. You've got a little person who is screaming. Inside of your frame, you're thinking, screaming child, irritating. Now let's change the frame. There are a couple of ways to change the frame.

One way to change the frame is to change the meaning inside the frame. We've got a bunch of parents out there. Now this is your child. What changes inside the frame? You went from feeling irritation to maybe embarrassment.

You went from feeling irritation to maybe compassion. Now let's change the meaning inside the frame one more time. This is one of the ways to change a frame. It's to change the meaning. We're going to talk about this as it relates to sales here in a minute.

What if this child is not your child, but it is a small infant who has just been diagnosed with cancer, who is being flown to a specialist, who is the only specialist in the world who can treat it, and you know that. Now how do you feel about the screaming child? Perhaps you've gone from irritation, maybe it's still a little hard on the nerves, but it's like now you've gone from irritation to compassion. Who's feeling a little more compassion just thinking about it? By changing the meaning of what's inside of a frame, you can change the frame.

One of the meanings that you want to change inside of your sales frame is whether or not you're in the role of an expert or a desperate, hungry, seeking person who will take anything that comes their way. Does that make sense? So if you have defined your role as, this is the difference between defining your role as the innocent onlooker, the irritated passenger who didn't pay enough for first class, or the parent or the custodian of a small dying child. It changes the meaning. So one of the things that you want to start to do as quickly as possible is you want to define yourself in the role of the expert inside the frame.

So when the person comes in and they say, you should persuade me to work with you. I want you to imagine just for a minute. So let's change this just for a minute. Let's change out the drawing. Okay.

Person comes in. Person comes in to see you. And they say, convince me. And then you feel like, over here, your frame is, I'm desperate. Now let's be honest, just for a minute, just so we can be real here.

For those of you that have businesses and have clients, who's ever been desperate at least once? For those of you that have ever dated, who's ever been desperate at least once? And we're talking about for a date. It's like, I'm lonely. Man, why won't anyone say yes?

Where did all the good ones go? You hear people say things like that. If you are in a scarcity mindset, if your frame is a frame of scarcity, what kind of feeling are you going to put off for the person who's coming into your office? Needy. Needy is super creepy.

It is. It is in the dating world, right? Who's ever been approached by a super needy, creepy person? Must be honest. It's creepy.

It's like they put people repellent all over them. And it's like, why do people keep on running away when I approach? Please come back, I love you. And it's like, no matter how much you run towards them, they run away. And then they tell their friends, they're like, don't go near that guy.

That guy's desperate. He's desperate. He's been sprayed with people repellent. So, if you are needy, if your frame is, I am desperate, or if your frame is, there's not enough, so we'll put not enough, you're going to come across the wrong way. Your frame is the wrong frame.

And this is a meaning frame. So, we're going to change this frame. Right now. If you want to change your frame, give me an amen. Amen!

Alright, there we go. That's awesome. I've always wanted to do that. So let's do this. Here you are.

You are now, that's a crown of expertise right there on your head. So you've got the crown of expertise, and we're going to give you a scepter of power. You now have the crown of expertise and the scepter of power, and you have a client, and on the other side of the door, this is a door, and I'm just going to start drawing here. You know that there are people pounding down your door to get in, and you are an expert. What kind of feeling do you project?

What do you exude? Confidence. And confidence automatically makes you super attractive. Come on, you can laugh, that's alright. Most ridiculous thing ever, right?

So remember, confidence is attractive, and confidence starts with a belief frame. Now there's other ways to change frames. There's deframing and reframing and outframing, and a lot of that's beyond what we're going to be talking about, but I want you to think about this question, because this one question in the sales process will affect everything you do. Is there more than enough, or do you live in a world of scarcity and lack? See, I believe that there is always more than enough for those that are good at what they do.

For those that are filled with passion. One of my favorite quotes is a quote by Les Brown, and many of you know who Les Brown is. Les Brown said this, he said, if you light yourself on fire, people will come from miles to watch you burn. If you've got passion inside, it is like lighting a flame of fire to who you are, and you will become attractive, and people will come, perhaps from the four corners of the earth, to find you. You are an expert.

Now, here's the first part of expertise. Go out and develop it. But then I know a lot of people who've had a lot of training, but they don't feel like an expert. So expertise is developed in the mind and in the heart. Everybody touch your head.

If you're watching this right now, touch your head. Expertise starts in the mind, and then it swirls around, it moves around, and it drops down. Kaboom! In the heart. So there you go.

So expertise is in the mind, and it is in the heart. And that's why we have the second product that we have, because it teaches you how to master your mind and master your heart. And if you want to develop an expertise, if you want to influence more than one person, you need to master your mind and your heart. Okay, so let's go ahead. Who learned something about framing right then?

Raise your hand if you did. Okay, awesome sauce. So I want you to repeat after me. I am the expert. I am the expert.

There is enough. There is enough. There's more than enough. For anyone who's truly good at what they do, for anyone who's got passion, there's always more than enough. So let's go ahead and dive into the first actual technique of selling.

This is after you've established the right kinds of frames. This is after you've filtered. One of the reasons why you're establishing the filtering frame is because you've got to filter people out because there's not enough time to work with everyone that you want to work with. Does that make sense? So that's part of the frame.

That's why we talked about filtering. So now what we're going to talk about is we're going to talk about building cooperation and rapport. And I want to emphasize the cooperation bit just for a minute. I believe that the best experts, so we're talking about still being an expert and having expert status, but the best experts are ones who work alongside of their clients. So there's different kinds of experts.

Let me just explain this real quick. There's what I call the one-up, one-down expert. So in the one-up, one-down expert, the one-up, one-down expert is looking down upon the peons down below. They're looking at the people whom they have to step upon to move forward in life. That's one way to be an expert.

But there's another kind of expert too. The other kind of expert is what I call a side-along expert. I'm an expert on human change. You are an expert on your situation. And ultimately, you are the expert that's going to make this change.

So I'm right here alongside of you. The posture, I call this posture. So is it a one-up, one-down posture? This has its place. And if you like that, you can go pursue it.

I won't teach you how to do it because that's not really what I do. But that's the one-up, one-down expert. The other kind of expert is the side-along expert. Let me stand beside you and let's both point towards the distance and let's go towards the future together. Then there's also a third type of expert, which is what they call a one-step behind.

So imagine I've got a person right here. Actually, just right from the front row, could you pop up just for a quick second? So the side-along expert is standing at the side, looking forward. A standing slightly behind expert would be, look, there's the future. You are the hero.

I am Gandalf the wise. Recruiting hobbits, as it turns out. Thank you. Round of applause for her help. And thank you, sincerely.

You've got to decide on your posture, but once you find your posture, one of the first things you want to do is you want to establish a relationship of cooperation. How you do this will depend on exactly what your field is and how you go about that. I'm not a doctor, but let's say that there was a doctor. One way to come into the room is to say, I am the expert. You are the patient.

You must obey my every command. Anybody ever been in a medical situation like that? How many found it offensive? Be honest. Yeah, right.

Like super offensive. So the other way would be to come in and say, hey, I'm standing alongside you. Hey, look, let's put up some tests. I want to show you some things that I just found. You may not know what these are, but let me just show you.

This means this. This means this. This means your lung function is doing this. It kind of looks like you might have something serious going on here. Are you ready to deal with that?

That's a real different field. You must do this, and if you don't, I will fire you as a patient. So I'd say the first thing we want to do is we want to put ourselves in a side-along posture with our clients, and we want to ask them what they want. The frame that I usually set for myself as I'm working with a client is I simply ask them, I tell them right away, I say the reason for this first meeting is to make sure that there is a good fit and that I am the right guy to help you out. Now that's good languaging too, right?

But it's not just the languaging. If they're actually not a good fit, I don't want them as a client. I will refer them out about two or three times a month. I will refer a client that's coming inbound to someone else, and my secretary does more often than that, because that's part of filtering. That's part of the filtration process.

That's my first part in getting cooperation. Basically I'm asking permission to make sure there's a good fit. Raise your hand if you're with me. Now this would be different if I was an insurance sales guy. I'm not an insurance sales guy.

I might say something like this, hey, you've called me today and you've come here because you want to insure your house. Before we make a decision how to insure your house, let's make sure that I am the right guy and I've got the right products to insure your house. Does that make sense? So why don't you start by telling me a little bit about what you want. Does that make sense?

Let's put myself in another industry. Let's say that I'm somebody who is recruiting a salesperson onto a team. And I'm interviewing people to be a salesperson. Now what's easier? Is it easier to hire a guy who's done sales before or to hire somebody who hates sales and never wants to do it?

It's like no brainer. So I might say, hey listen, we're bringing you in and we're looking for a good fit on the sales team. I want to make sure before we bring you on that there's actually a good fit. And that means there's a good fit for me and there's a good fit for you. Why don't you tell me a little bit about what you want and where you're coming from.

Then they can tell me and I can start to sort. And what I'm doing is I'm actually sorting is this client a good fit? Do they want what I have? Do they need what I have? And if they don't, then we want to come back around.

So that's basically eliciting cooperation. Now what about rapport? Rapport is a human connection. I think rapport basically consists of two things. First thing that rapport consists of is rapport consists of responsiveness.

That means that the other person will actually respond to what I do. If I ask the client to take a seat and to step into my office and they stand, this has actually happened in the early days of my practice. It's like, oh that's interesting. That's information right there. Or I'm running a client through a closed eye process and I say, I might invite you to close your eyes.

And they say, I don't want to close my eyes. And they go into staring. What are you going to do to me? Or something like that. Is there cooperation or responsiveness?

No! Until there's cooperation and responsiveness, you've got to back up and get it before you take the next step. Does that make sense? Raise your hand if that makes sense. Raise your hand at home if that makes sense.

This is important. So you want to get cooperation and responsiveness. But also, I believe that rapport has a human element to it. Connection. So what we're going to be talking about now is we're going to be talking about this.

I want to go through the first two steps of the sales process. We just talked about cooperation and we talked about the idea of rapport. And then we're going to go on and we're going to talk about how to deeply connect your client into their heart space. Because ultimately, if I were to summarize all of the research on motivation, here is what I would summarize. Really, one thing.

This is what it would all come down to. People are motivated to do things for their reasons, not yours. Does that make sense? So the quicker you come around to that, the faster you're going to get to the place where people are allowing you to persuade them. Because people will resist an idea.

This goes back to the pushing. They will resist an idea. If you're telling someone why they should change, they won't change. In fact, most people will. Just like Martha, they'll push back.

They'll push back against the change. Instead, if you invite people to deeply connect with their own motivation to change... Then it's just like the judo master who pulls on the person who's pushing. It's very easy to move them, right? So those are the two things we're talking about.

We're talking about human motivation. We're going to be talking about rapport. So here is the first key to rapport and we're going to go into a much deeper dive into this in the later product But the real key to developing rapport is Not something that you do It's probably something that you don't do right You don't talk Obsessively and not let the other person talk. That's what you don't do Right. What you do is you listen now I think listening has some components and we're going to break that down later on But I'm going to give you a couple of tips right now that are going to really help out your listening skills Okay, number one People can sniff it out when you're not actually paying attention.

So it doesn't matter how good your technique is You can have the best technique in the world Right, you can read all the books and get the get the formula just right But if you're not actually there They're gonna figure it out, right? So let's be honest just by show of hands. I want to see the audience again Okay, if you have been in a conversation and you have realized that someone is definitely not paying attention to you Raise your hand raise your hand. Yes, everybody and okay, they're pretending to pay attention. Raise your hand Okay, they're pretending to pay attention Okay, now let's flip it around Have you ever been listening to someone and you stopped wanting to pay attention and you're just pretending did they figure it out?

They're like a hundred percent of the time now. Sometimes they say something and sometimes they don't But they always figure it out, so the first thing is you've actually got to be present there's a huge surge in the research on mindfulness is the art of being fully present in the present moment and I think that the biggest thing you can do with listening if you get everything else wrong All of your technique if all of your technique sucks But you get two things, right? You're gonna be fine. And that's what we're gonna talk about right now Number one is you make a decision. I am going to be present Fully present when the person speaks I'm going to listen You do that you get your technique wrong and get all the pieces wrong people will give you a ton of space Okay.

Now there's some things you can do to be more helpful as you're doing that, right? I'm going to give the person a gift of my presence just for a moment Let's test this out. Everybody put your hand up on your heart And just close your eyes take a nice deep breath and Just with your intention decide to be fully present to the conversation that we're having right now And then open your eyes How does that change things for how many of you does it change something Yeah, yeah for about two-thirds of you, right? It's like an instant shift It's an instant shift when you decide to be present Okay. Now here's the second thing that you're going to do Okay, you are going to invite the person to talk with nice Non-manipulative open-ended questions.

Okay, so the person you're gonna ask the person. What do you want? I don't ask the person why do you want coaching because I don't know if they want coaching and I don't know if I Want to coach them So I'm gonna ask the person. What do you want? I Know you're about ready to enroll into my into my cooking class, but tell me why do you want to be here?

I want to make sure there's good fit and Then you go quiet and you have the attitude of I want you to speak I want to hear you and I actually want to hear what you have to say And if you take those steps what you'll find is you'll find that people will start opening up to you So I've got an I've got an acid test right now Okay, this is super scary. Hold on your seats right wherever you are. Grab onto your pencil clench your eyes. It'll make it easier Here's the question I have for you because this is like instantly tell you how good a listener you are Do people open up around you? Or don't they I'm not talking about one person There's always one person who doesn't want to talk to you, right?

But in general do people want to talk to you or don't they? Because if people are talking to you it means you suck at listening And The nice thing is you don't You don't have to stay bad at it. You can get good and it starts by saying I'm going to be present I'm going to listen, right? I am going to I want to hear what you have to say. That's an attitude thing, right?

So it's I am here and I want to listen So that's what we're gonna do now the last tip that I'm gonna give you on listening and then we're gonna go into We're gonna use the listening skills to bring out the motivation The last technique that we talked about is the technique of Feeding back what you hear Now people call this different things. I'm gonna I'm gonna call it backtracking some people call it parroting That's when you repeat back some of what you hear what I'm listening for is I'm listening for hot words So I'm listening for words that the person's emphasizing with their body language or their voice tone Okay, and I might mark some of those out here in a minute I point them out as we're going through because those are the words that you want to feed back to the client and be pretty Specific about so now let's go into the motivation piece and then I want to do a demo. Is that alright? So here's the easiest way to get someone to open up about what they want Ask them What do you want Why do you want that? Tell me more What's that all about right it's easy to do and if you open if you are nice and open your body language is nice and open and you've got the Attitude of I want to be here and I want to hear what you have to say and I have this side along posture People start opening up right and left So the specific technique that I'm going to share with you is the technique of five wise now some people out there Have heard the myth that you should never ask the question why raise your hand if you ever heard that myth Okay, there's only a couple of you.

Okay, it's not that you don't want to ask why but you want to ask Why in the right direction? So if somebody starts complaining Stop asking why because what they will do is they will justify their complaining response on the other hand If somebody connects deeply into their heart space if they're really starting to open up and they're talking about their motivation and you ask why? They will open up even more so this technique is called five wise and all you do is you listen for the motivation that the person is giving you and Then once you hear them connect you listen for with your ears and with your eyes you listen to their body language and to what they're saying you Follow the thing that they have emphasized the most. So for example if somebody says Well, why I really want to do this is because I want to be healthy, but really it's about my family Okay, what do they emphasize? Family they emphasize it with a gesture and with their voice tone.

Okay in this example This is actually a real client that I'm thinking of right now Family she did this and then she goes. Yeah, there's a lot of changes I want to make but really it's about my family and over and over again with her voice She would emphasize it and she would gesture down just like this and make this little circle right next to her solar plexus family When I fed her back Right when I was repeating back Important words. I didn't have to repeat back everything. She said all I had to repeat back was So this is really about your family, isn't it? That makes sense, okay, so you're not looking to repeat every word you're not looking to be a parent that's like I'm not motivated.

Yeah, you're not motivated That's what I said That's what you said, right? Okay. No, you don't want to do that Yeah, that drives people absolutely like batty and crazy faster than anything But if you're sincere and you're repeating back just the hot words and you're emphasizing in the same kind of voice tone that they do They're gonna really open up to it