Living With An Alcoholic
Restored from the Empower Network archive (2011–2017), lightly edited to meet our current advertising standards. Views are the original author’s.
Living With An Alcoholic
Every Day is Different
Morning starts with anticipation of a new day. A day of hope and any signs of a good day. The day can be good or bad depending on any emotional triggers that may arise. Maybe it will be a good day.
I love to make breakfast. Eggs are usually on the menu and I am in the kitchen minding my own business. My mom comes in and asks if I have burned down the kitchen yet. Okay, maybe my day will be a bad day. Already in the morning there was a trigger not known to me that has set her anger to the surface ready to spit fire. What time is it? I look at the clock on the wall. Darn, only 8:00 AM.
My mom says I don’t clean my dishes as I stand over the stove. I have barely flipped my eggs yet to get over to them. She expects the sink to be clean at all times. I look over to the sink. Yeap, oh yeah, I have one cup from last night I put in the sink to be washed. I believe she would find something to complain about if it wasn’t my dirty cup. Does she want to live in a perfect world with everything put away and clean? Are all alcoholics like this? I didn’t know how worse my mom has gotten. Its been a good 17 years since I’ve lived here. Haven’t thought about how long it has been. Haven’t lived here since I was 18 years old. I left on my birthday near Christmas. I thought I was a hot headed teenager. Is it really that bad. I am choosing to remember the good times. Was there any? Come to think about it. Maybe not. Now my mind starts to wander…
Living With An Alcoholic
Its like walking on eggshells. What have I done right today? Will she notice the things I do for her? Will she focus on all that I haven’t done that I didn’t know about that she hasn’t told me yet? I’ve done everything she wanted. Maybe not to her standards in the way I did it or when I did it.
Alcoholics hide in the den and prowl for a good argument they typically start from a snickery remark they tend not to remember saying. Their lives are private and live in fear of other people discovering their habit hidden in the closet. They think they are in control and keep a sharp eye on others to pretend things are going well, and turn around or manipulate conversations to suppress any conflict. You thought the Irish were known to tell stories. Alcoholism has it beaten! Or if my mom was Irish would that conclude most Irish people drink and tell too many big stories?
What do all alcoholics have in common?
My mom is living behind a mask. A masculine, do-it-yourself, attitude surrounding money, love, and career. Its exhausting. Worrying every minute in defensive spite of what others think. My mom creates scenarios based on low self-esteem believing she is a bad person.
Its only been a couple hours of sunshine and already I am wondering how it’s going to end. I hear lies all day long and end up forgiving words said the night before. “F*** you” comes to mind off the top of my list. Who says that to each other other than a gang member right to pull out a knife? Does forgiving define my situation as verbal abuse if I stick around as a family member? What is my limit?
I don’t know how long I can handle this. I have more options if I choose to live some where with rent. I lost my job and wanted to mend any hard feelings from the past so I moved back in with her. I Feel sorry for my mom. She may not know what she says yet she has the time to damage others close to her…and quickly.
Living With An Alcoholic
It is a disease. I feel I am the only one to help. Family has long ago given up. Friends are uncertain, cautious and withdrawn. Its amazing she hasn’t realized what is going on. Or has she? I see her retreating more and more into her home and isolating, punishing, and abusing herself with the bottle. Not sure what life would be life without her anger, pain and manipulation. My mom has “become more machine than human”, like Darth Vador in the movie Star Wars. Shall I pursuit and believe in goodness in her life like Luke Skywalker who never gave up or turn away and part ways. Its a sad story way too many of us have experienced. The freedom is facing your truth and talk about it. Being naked and vulnerable is not that bad! Stay strong and be yourself!
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