AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOUR

Restored from the Empower Network archive (2011–2017), lightly edited to meet our current advertising standards. Views are the original author’s.

Aggressive Behaviour

Children go through various stages in their journey to adulthood.There is so much for them to learn. The world is big and scary to a child and they need love and support from the main people in their lives.

There are no manuals which lets you produce the perfectly behaved child. All children have difficulties at one stage or another and it up to us to guide them in the right direction. Children provide many challenges for their parents.

One of the most difficult times is when they display aggressive behaviour. It can be embarrassing and the kicking, scratching, biting, hitting behaviour can be the cause of people avoiding you. It can cause doubt in our minds. We fear that people will think we are the worst parents. For most children, this is a stage of development that passes quickly.

However, when it becomes more frequent and aggressive, it is time for action.

Firstly, you must try and locate the underlying causes of this aggression. Once you understand why this is happening, then you can help them deal with their problems in a non-aggressive way.

2-year olds find it hard to communicate their needs to their parents, so can react aggressively to try and get their point across.hence the saying  -”the terrible twos”. This would be  a good age to stop this behaviour and channel their energy into more acceptable forms of communication. As they become older, it will take far more effort to stop their aggressive behaviour as it could have become a habit which is harder to break.

Reasons why they might display aggression:

* they are frustrated and angry
* they might be in a stressful situation
* they don’t have a routine
* they are over stimulated
* they are tired.
* they are acting in self-defence
* there is a lack of adult supervision
* their speech hasn’t developed sufficiently
* they could be copying the behaviour of others.

Pinpointing the Triggers of Aggressive Behaviour.

Try and narrow down where and when this happens and to whom this aggressive behaviour is displayed. Is it only at home or is it when you are visiting or playing with others.
Ask yourself if your child is excited, frustrated or angry. Observe their movements and interactions with other children or adults.
Do they display their aggression verbally, physically or both. Again, continually observe them as they play and see if a pattern emerges.
Once you have located the trigger/s it’s time to step in and stop the unacceptable behaviour.

How to deal with Aggressive Behaviour.

==> Step In early

It is really important that you step in as soon as you see signs of aggression and stop it immediately. Your child needs to realise that there is a consequence for all behaviours, whether good or bad.
When you see the first sign that you child is becoming aggressive, quietly take him/her aside and speak firmly and calmly.
Don’t make a big deal of it. Simple instructions, such as ‘ we don’t hit anyone else’, is enough for a young child to understand. Don’t give them too much attention either. Simply make a calm statement, and then ignore them and turn back to the victim to console them. This will give a message to your child that he will not be getting your attention in any way, either positive or negative. If you cannot calm your child, remove him from the situation completely. But don’t get angry. If this is not possible, then remove yourself and the victim away from the immediate area. After your child calms him/herself, talk calmly about the incident and then ask him to apologise to the victim.

==> Use your voice

It is really hard, I know to control the urge to yell. It is important, though not to raise your voice when dealing with aggressive behaviour. You need to use a gentle, firm voice if you want to demonstrate to your child that problems don’t have to be resolved by yelling and screaming. If he/she hears you using a quiet, calm voice, they are likely to calm down faster. Of course, you need to praise them up for calming down by themselves, but repaeat what they have done wrong and tell them the consequences. eg. “Good girl for calming down. Now, we don’t kick. You kicked Aaron and now he is sad. If you kick him again, we will be leaving”.

==> Defuse their anger.

Tell your child that it is OK to be angry but we don’t hit, scratch, scream or bite. Let them know that you get angry too and when that happens, you say, “I am Angry” and then I leave the room or count to 10 slowly or breathe slowly and deeply.
It is important for them to recognise the emotion and state it aloud, but then they need to choose an alternate method of dealing with it. In a social situation, they might not be able to leave completely, but you can teach them to move away from the others for a while until they stop feeling so angry and can play calmly again. Remember to repeat the instruction,
“We don’t kick, and if it happens again, we are all leaving”.

==> Teach them that Aggressive Behaviour is wrong.

For younger children, simple statements are sufficient. You need to repeat the phrases constantly – especially in normal everyday situations. Don’t wait until aggression happens.
You must be consistent. there must always be a consequence for aggressive behaviou like a time-out space either at home or maybe in the car if you are out. As your child becomes older they will experiment to see what happens if they continue to be aggressive. It is up to you to be consistent with the consequences.
If they are having problems with their peers, they need to learn to say ‘No,’ or ‘Stop’. ‘Stop it, I don’t like it’, is a good one. They need to be able to let the other children know that they are upset without hitting or punching.

Here is a great site which will give more assistance:-

==> Praise, Praise, Praise.

It is so important for you to praise your child’s efforts in controlling their aggressive behaviour. When you see them practising the strategies you have taught them, praise them for using their words to solve a problem. If they forget, and revert to violence again, stop them, remind them and put the consequences in place. Remember – keep calm !

Please don’t –

* Expose them to violent shows or movies.This does not help in demonstrating acceptable behaviour.
* Bite or hit back. Again, This will exacerbate the problem
* Personalise their behaviour. It is not a reflection on you. Focus on helping them to overcome the problem.

Please contact their doctor if your child persistently displays aggressive behaviour which is affecting their daily routines, friendships or learning. There might be an underlying problem which needs professional care.

It might seem extremely hard at times. Children are a challenge. It is possible to teach your child acceptable strategies for dealing with anger.

You need to have a clear plan, be consistent and remain composed.

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