No Apologies

Restored from the Empower Network archive (2011–2017), lightly edited to meet our current advertising standards. Views are the original author’s.

No Apologies.

You haven’t seen a blog post from me in months.

It’s hard for me to believe that it’s been that long, but I can see that my last blog was on Thanksgiving, so I know it’s true.

What have you been doing?

Well…I have been working very hard.  It just hasn’t been at my online business.

Why not?  Aren’t you committed?

There are a number of reasons why, and they all boil down to the joys of living with chronic illness(es).  So, yes, I am committed to my business, but there are times when what I must do interferes with what I want to do.  This has been one of those times.  And I’m not going to apologize for it.  I stayed employed.  I paid my bills.  I still have a roof over my head.  The most important things got done.  I’m proud of myself.

Well, if you were serious, nothing would stop you…

If I hear another story about yet anotherme from working non-stop on my business, I think I may just hurl!

I know the point of stories about overcoming adversity is to show that if someone who has or has had a severe disadvantage can succeed in a business that you can, too.  But, if you are not in a good mental space, all these stories do is beat you down more.  Instead of being empowering in that “if they can do it, in spite of XXXXX, I can, too,” it feels more like “you’re such a f#@king loser that even someone with XXXXX can do this and you CAN’T!”

By now, you’d think I’d have learned that I am only unhappy when I compare myself to others, but, nooooo, I keep trying to win footraces with armless, legless mountain climbers and losing.  It’s not pretty.

Would you like some cheese with that whine?

For a number of months, I beat myself up and felt like a loathsome worm for not getting it all done, like “everybody” else.  Writing when you have absolutely nothing to say that isn’t a variation on “woe is me,” is no good to anyone, so I didn’t write.   And, I continued to feel wormy.

I spent 3 months feeling burned out and wondering what the H#ll was wrong with me, logging in and unable to get anything done.  This continued through the Empower event in Austin (I went, and I’ll be in Chicago, too).  Then, I started to figure it out.

I realized that what I was doing in my online business was not helping me.  It was actually hurting me.  I was using my business like any other obsession–working it until exhaustion to avoid thinking about and working on the deeper issues in my life.  And, like anything else involving exhaustion and lack of self-care, that approach was doomed to failure.  So, instead of gearing up to go back to do more of what was self-destruction masquerading as business, I decided to do something else.

About 6 weeks ago, instead of feeling wormy, I took some positive action that worked.  I consciously chose NOT to blog and market (sounds counter-productive, I know), but to focus my efforts on improving my internal motivation.  My reasoning was this–I cannot help anyone if I am stuck in state of self-loathing and self-pity.

So, to start, I wrote down my top 10 goals every day on a sheet of paper, one sheet per day.

Brian Tracy had mentioned doing this in one of his audio training tapes.  He said that this is a very powerful exercise and that if you do it for 30 days, you can turn your life around.

Having nothing to lose, I decided that I would stick with it for at least 30 days.  I noticed that my attitude started to improve around day 25.  I started walking more every day; I got back on track with my nutrition and vitamins, and I noticed that I felt “sharper.”

Feeling like myself again…

I can’t say that I’m out of the woods, but I feel much more like myself again, and not at all wormy.  I’m continuing to do the things that will keep me on an even keel, and I’m fighting like heck to compete with myself and only myself.

I’m telling my story, because I KNOW that I’m not the only one out there like me and who has the same condition I have.  It’s called Major Depression.

It’s not a simple thing.  It means that I have limits on what I can and cannot do, whether I like it or not.  I only get in trouble when I forget and try to do what everyone else does.

Not all Depression is the same; mine is both atypical and treatment resistant.  It took 10 years to find a treatment that works. I am currently functional and stable, and I’ve been diligent at keeping it that way.  I take medication daily.  I see a psychiatrist once a month to make sure that I stay on track.   Even then, I still have down times.

I often think of a quote from Jerry Garcia (of the Grateful Dead):

I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty.   Actually, I’m more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.

I am one of the 23% in the off-line world.  I’m just not there yet in the on-line world.  But I will be.  I will find a way within the limits I need to keep in order to maintain my health.  So, there will be times that I won’t blog every day, and I won’t apologize for this.

And, no freakin’ way am I climbing any mountains with my tongue…

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Have a Fantastic Day!

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