To Drink, Or Not To Drink? THAT Is The Question! How Sobriety Is Saving My Life, One Day At A Time.

Before sobriety, my life was what I considered “manageable“.  I mean, after all, it wasn’t that bad, was it?

I wasn’t that bad, was I?!

 The bills were getting paid, the house was kept up, my daughter was being cared and provided for. . . so I couldn’t be that bad, could I?!

My list of, “I’m not an alcoholic because….” went something like this:

• I don’t drink in the mornings or afternoons, only at night.
• I don’t even drink every day or every other day. Sometimes I go a week or two without drinking.
• I’ve never had the “DT’s” (Delirium Tremens) or “The Shakes”.
• I don’t drink around the kids.
• I never drink & drive with the kids in the car (completely negating the fact that other people on the road had kids in their cars).
• I don’t drink, or hide alcohol, at home.
• I am not “hiding” my drinking / actions.

So, I’m all normal then, right?!

I mean, I didn’t “fit the description” of what an alcoholic is in all the books out there about the disease. Ya know, the: “drinking yourself and your family out of house and home, unable to pay the bills, living under a bridge, hiding alcohol, drinking from a brown bag, drinking as soon as you wake up definition!”  That, for sure, wasn’t me.

Yet, the never ending, repetitive cycle was wearing on me, and undoubtedly on my husband too.

• The foggy mornings.
• Not remembering how I got home.
• The injuries from blacking out and falling.
• The trouble with the law from drinking & driving.
• The car accidents, that fortunately never involved anyone other than myself.
• The totaled cars.
• The car accidents that I didn’t even remember.

What exactly was it that was “keeping me coming back for more“?

Certainly I wasn’t choosing to live this way, was I?!

It was a destructive cycle that I was stuck in and wasn’t sure how I could be “managing life” successfully if I really did have this disease; and how I didn’t “fit the bill” that defines what an alcoholic is in all the books.

So it continued, and continued, and continued.

The parts of my life that I was “managing successfully” in some fashions. . .

I can tell you now, and trust me when I do,

Were for all the wrong reasons.

Hindsight is 20/20, they say.  The things that were getting accomplished, wasn’t because I wanted or needed to for love of my family. . .

But rather so I could get the things “✔’d off my list” of what needed to be done, that were “in the way“, or “stood between“, me being able to go out and do what I wanted to do!  Talk about pure selfishness.

So let’s fast forward to when I went to rehab.

And I will tell you that I chose to go to rehab, I was not ordered to go.

But get this. . .

I went because I thought I wouldn’t get in as much trouble in court if I went.  Sound familiar?

Not because I really thought I needed it!  (Hilarious in hindsight.)

And, I was sober when I went.  I hadn’t drank in 2 days prior to checking in to the 28 day in-patient treatment facility.

Which I will give mega props to, by the way.  They were amazing.   to check out Pathways Treatment Center located in Lynchburg, Virginia.

I struggled with rehab, not because I wanted to drink, but rather because I am the type of person that if something is going on/wrong, I want to “fix it“!

I looked at my counselor, Pam, and said, “If I am an alcoholic, great. I’ll take that label. Just tell me what to do to fix it so I can, and then I’ll move on with my life!“

Needless to say, she chuckled.  “It doesn’t quite work that way“, she replied.

Over the next couple of weeks I continued to struggle with the “Am I?”  Or, “Am I not?”

I gave rehab a real effort and look at.

I mean, I had already been wondering forever if I was. . . if I needed help.

What better time & place to find out than while I was in there?!

So I took it as a serious undergoing!

And then one day, it happened.

I read something.

Something I had never read before.

And trust me when I tell you, I had read a lot, in attempt to define myself, either way.

But it was in this one pamphlet that I picked up, that I read the words that would forever answer that question for me.

And it was really so simple.

I couldn’t help but chuckle to myself after reading it and said, “That’s it!!  THAT IS IT!”

I was excited that I actually had an answer.

Now that I had an answer, now that I believed, I could make a real decision to do something about it.

 Now, I know, that I have a disease.

What was it that I read???

Here, I’ll just take a picture of it and show you:

And there it was… in black and white.

The truth of the matter is that nothing mattered other than WHAT happens in my life when I drink.   And THAT answer, my friends, was INDISPUTABLE. . .  

BAD SHIT!  (pardon the language, but it’s just that serious!)  

• Trouble with the law? Drinking & Driving.
• My physical well-being?  Blacking out. Falling & getting injured. Feeling crummy in general and taking all day to recoup. Totaling cars without even remembering and being hurt.
• My family?  Because if I am in trouble with the law, I cannot be there for my family. Nor am I “present” for my family when my intentions are set on going through the motions for self-serving purposes.  
• My inner emotions?  Constantly struggling with “Am I?” or “Am I not?” and also saying after a real bender, “Man, I am not gonna do that again!” and then come 5:00pm, I am ready to go out partying again. The guilt associated with that is torturous because you constantly feel like you are failing yourself & you cannot commit to even one simple goal you promised yourself.

Learning that allowed me to put together a “game plan” on how to live with this disease and maintain a healthy lifestyle by utilizing the “medicine” that’s out there for it.  The tools available to help me live right and sober, one day at a time. To make the right choices, every single day.

Now, I live life right, and successfully – more than “manageable”,

AND. . .

Most importantly,

FOR ALL THE RIGHT REASONS!

Alcoholism is indeed a disease.  For those of you who may think otherwise, don’t get it twisted… 

It is a disease!

No one in their right mind chooses to continue to destroy themselves.

But, we’re not IN our right minds, because IT IS a disease of the brain.

The drinking is merely a symptom of our disease.

The good news is that we have a choice.

We can choose to live, or choose to die.

If we choose to work a recovery program that gives us the tools necessary to live a happy & healthy lifestyle, then everything can and will change.

But, it is a choice.

We must choose, and take action.

Every single day, when I wake up, I have a choice to make.

I am either facing toward a drink,

Or away from a drink.

There is no in between.

Sobriety is a daily choice, and I choose recovery.

I choose to walk toward another day of sobriety. 

People often ask, “What is the most important thing in your life?”  (Both people who do know AND who do not know I am a recovering alcoholic)

My answer never falters.  

It is simply two words,

“My Sobriety.“

Those who didn’t know, find out real quick I am in recovery, and those who did know, both the same, still look at me in wonder.

I know what they are thinking… because most people  when asked that question say their spouse, or their children, or their family, etc.

The bottom line for me is this. . .

If I am not sober, I won’t HAVE any of those things left in my life to be grateful for.

Because they will be gone.

Without sobriety, I lose everything.

I have learned the hard way that the first thing I EVER put ahead of my sobriety with be the second thing that I lose.

It is said by one of the 12 step programs, that drinking will lead an alcoholic to jails, institutions, and then death.

The only thing a drink has left for me, is death.

I have experienced the other two, and I am not interested in its final decree.

Not for me.  

Not for my life.

I have too much to live for.

I have my family, and they need me.

I have a business that has surrounded me with amazing people that I love & respect, a community, of whom I have been honored to have changed thousands of peoples lives with my story.

I’m not going anywhere, yet!

You’ve yet to see the very best of Laura Parrish!