“You’ve Got Cancer”
Restored from the Empower Network archive (2011–2017), lightly edited to meet our current advertising standards. Views are the original author’s.
I was surprised when the Dr. told me I had the C word…prostate cancer in my case. My PSA levels were a little high several months earlier so my family doctor sent me to the Urologist. He said, “Of 100 men that walk through my door only 40 have cancer. We’re going to believe that you’re one of the 60 instead.”
To be safe, he performed a biopsy. I was still waking up when he told Kay that he didn’t see anything and didn’t think I had cancer but we’d wait on the lab results to be sure.
About a week later we were back in his office to get the results and that’s when our lives changed.
I knew from the look on his face what he was going to say when he walked in the room. ”You’ve got prostate cancer. I don’t think it has spread anywhere else but we’ll do an MRI to be sure.” It’s not his fault, but based on the things he’d said I hadn’t even allowed myself to consider the possibility.
I hope there’s never a next time but if there is I will not, I repeat, will not get in one of those torture chambers without some medicinal assistance if you know what I mean. I’m a large guy and it took them over two hours to get the readings they needed. It was two hours on the clock but it was 20 hours in my mind. I prayed. I thought about good things. I prayed. I thought about good things. I prayed. I said the name Jesus over and over. I counted to help estimate how much time had passed and I still felt like I was going to lose my mind what with the horrific clanging and banging sounds the machine made, and the position of my arms behind my head. I thought my shoulders were going to crack and fall off they hurt so badly. Oh, and the claustrophobia. Did I mention that? My face was about four inches from the curved, white roof of my coffin. Ever since my brother, Bo, talked me into getting into a wooden box, nailed it shut, and threw a blanket over it so it was pitch dark I’ve had issues with confined spaces.
Remember the episode of Lost where Ben tied his daughter’s boyfriend up and stuck him in a room with horribly loud music and psychedelic images playing on the wall? That’s what it was like.
Here’s the worst thing of all. You know those pain charts they use that go from happy smiley faces to ones that look like they’re in agony? The clanging and banging was 9 out of 10 on the misery scale. Speaking of which, why, why, why, why, why in the name of all that’s good do they have to be so loud? Is medical technology not advanced enough to put some sort of a noise damper on them? Does the clanging serve any purpose other than to enhance the torture? Back to the torture chamber…the shoulder pain was a 10. The claustrophobia was a 9.
But even those things didn’t compare to the feelings of isolation and separation from the technicians running the machine. They were in a room behind me so I couldn’t see anything but the roof of the machine a few inches above me. Since I couldn’t see anyone, it made all the other things worse. I remember thinking this has to be the closest thing a mortal mind can imagine hell to be.
I was 30 seconds from losing my mind and turning into a screaming lunatic (I’m not kidding) when the technician finally came in and said, “It will only be another 15 minutes”. I looked at her and said, “I don’t think I can make it any longer.” She said, “we’ll have to do it all over again if I you get out now.” “Can you please hold on?” Somehow, I found the strength to hang on until they were done.
When I finally escaped, I walked into the waiting room where Kay was, laid my head on her shoulder and held on tight. I don’t think I cried but I was close to breaking down and I didn’t care who saw. I was one whipped dude. Later, she said I looked like I did after having a vasectomy 20 years ago. Trust me, this was worse.
The MRI confirmed the cancer hadn’t spread but the prostate still had to go. I chose robotic surgery over radiation although I’m not sure I’d do it again.
To be continued…