Better Off Dead: Living With Bipolar Disorder
Restored from the Empower Network archive (2011–2017), lightly edited to meet our current advertising standards. Views are the original author’s.
This is a very difficult article for me to write. I hope that by writing I can help someone and myself in the writing. Admitting to having a mental illness is a difficult thing to do. It is not something one discusses, even with family members.
I have bipolar disorder. I was diagnosed by a family doctor several years ago when I went to him suffering from a depressive episode. He told me I had a mild form of bipolar disorder which is now labeled as bipolar 2 or bipolar type 2.
Click this link for more information on the types of bipolar disorder
Bipolar disorder in childhood
I remember for my whole life feeling different, even as far back as elementary school. I was extremely shy through my elementary years. I never wanted to put my hand up in class for fear of having the wrong answer and feeling embarrassed. If the teacher would call on me for an answer and I felt put on the spot, I would start to cry silently and hide behind my hand as if by doing that no one would notice. I felt different and I felt that the other children thought I was weird.
In high school I always felt that I never fit in anywhere. In high school there are all these little cliques. There are the smart kids, the druggies, the geeks, the cool kids etc and I never fit in to any of those categories. I hated school and I ended up quitting in grade 10. I remember having this feeling in my head around the age of 13 that there was a hand on either side of my temples and that someone was squeezing my head and that I would implode from the pressure. I would tell my mom, “mom there’s something wrong with me”. When I was sixteen I started getting these severe headaches and the doctor ordered all these tests to be done. With all the tests turning out negative, it was put down to my nerves and I was put on valium for a nervous disorder.
Read wikipedia for bipolar definition here
Highs and lows of bipolar disorder
Because I have bipolar type 2 rather than the full blown “bipolar type 1″, my mood swings are more moderate. I basically go from the highs of hypomania where I spend money I don’t have and rack up my credit card debt to feeling somewhat “normal” to semi lows to extreme lows of feeling hopeless and overwhelmed by simple daily tasks such as housework, shopping and dealing with the children. I have times during my extreme lows of feeling useless and feeling like a failure at everything in my life, feeling like I would be better off dead and that the world and my family would be better off without me around. Even when I am feeling that way I know that I would never harm myself and, deep inside, I know that the feeling will pass and I know that I will feel “normal” again.
Remaining strong with bipolar disorder
I have to stay strong even during my lows and try to function and do the things that need to get done. I have to work hard at hiding my feelings from those closest to me. I am not on medication for my bipolar disorder, mostly because bipolar type 2 is less severe and easier to live with that bipolar type 1. I don’t like the way medication makes me feel. I found in the past that the medication often causes aggressive tendencies and makes me feel angry at the people around me so I just decided that medication wasn’t for me.
I try every day to just to do the best I can to get through the day. I work every day on my computer working on my business so that I can have a better life for myself and my children and help others around me have a better life. I think having the children around me has forced me to be able to get up every day and having my business to focus on keeps me from sinking too low into the depressive part of bipolar disorder.
I found this excellent video that explains bipolar disorder so well and it is worth watching if you have ever asked yourself “Do I suffer from bipolar disorder?” or if you know someone who suffers from bipolar it may just give you a better understanding of them.
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