When teen back talk is the right talk.
Restored from the Empower Network archive (2011–2017), lightly edited to meet our current advertising standards. Views are the original author’s.
Teen back talk is a necessary part of growing up.
BUT, it needs to be groomed by knowledgeable parents and other adults. Know that fresh, crude, disrespectful, and offensive talk is NOT the kind of talk I’m talking about! Teen back talk can be channeled into something that improves not only “home life”, but “rest of life”
No more teen back talk to the hand.
Before you parents disagree, and you teens agree or vice-versa, read what Patti Neighmond has written for NPR.
Researchers from the University of Virginia recently published their findings in the journal Child Development. Psychologist Joseph P. Allen headed the study.
Allen says almost all parents and teenagers argue. But it’s the quality of the arguments that makes all the difference.
“We tell parents to think of those arguments not as nuisance but as a critical training ground,” he says. Such arguments, he says, are actually mini life lessons in how to disagree — a necessary skill later on in life with partners, friends and colleagues on the job.
Teens should be rewarded when arguing calmly and persuasively and not when they indulge in yelling, whining, threats or insults, he says.
You see that it is effective argument, that is the key. Teens who are listened to when they offer valid arguments are empowered to take that skill to all aspects of their lives.
When teen back talk is converted to rational argument…
Allen interviewed the teens again at ages 15 and 16. “The teens who learned to be calm and confident and persuasive with their parents acted the same way when they were with their peers,” he says. They were able to confidently disagree, saying ‘no’ when offered alcohol or drugs. In fact, they were 40 percent more likely to say ‘no’ than kids who didn’t argue with their parents.
Bottom line: Effective arguing acted as something of an inoculation against negative peer pressure. Kids who felt confident to express themselves to their parents also felt confident being honest with their friends.
So, ironically the best thing parents can do is help their teenager argue more effectively. For this, Allen offers one word: listen.
In the study, when parents listened to their kids, their kids listened back. They didn’t necessarily always agree, he says. But if one or the other made a good point, they would acknowledge that point. “They weren’t just trying to fight each other at every step and wear each other down. They were really trying to persuade the other person.”
This may necessitate a change in parental view of teen back talk.
New style for teen back talk?
It is necessary for parents and other adults that interact with teens to foster the rational argument approach to mold teen back talk into a vital life skill. The teen really wants us to listen. He or she may often just settle with “attention-getting” when actually looking for active listening. Thus we see the kinds of behaviors that push buttons on us.
Child psychologist Richard Weissbourd says the findings bolster earlier research that finds that “parents who really respect their kids’ thinking and their kids’ input are much more likely to have kids who end up being independent thinkers and who are able to resist peer groups.”
Weissbourd points to one dramatic study that analyzed parental relationships of Dutch citizens who ended up protecting Jews during World War II. They were parents who encouraged independent thinking, even if it differed from their own.
So the next time your teenager huffs and puffs and starts to argue and give you teen back talk, you might just step back for a minute, take a breath yourself, and try to listen. It may be one of the best lessons you teach your child.