How to Land a Boeing Plane (in a Life or Death Situation)
Restored from the Empower Network archive (2011–2017), lightly edited to meet our current advertising standards. Views are the original author’s.
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The pilot’s dead, the co-pilot’s having his lunch and the stewardesses are trying to calm the passengers. Oh, AND YOU’RE ON A PLANE! As well as it being the worst start to a mini-break ever, you and your fellow passengers are in mortal danger, from crashing in the middle of the sea or some remote island which isn’t even on the map. Someone has to land this sucker and you’re the tallest, so off you go. So where to begin…
1. Sit down
Unless you’re a maverick of the Howling Mad Murdoch variety, most airplane flying occurs in the seated position. Facing the front. Where the knobs are. The captain tends to sit on the left. So take a seat, strap in and touch nothing. The aircraft is probably using autopilot and if you start fiddling you might turn it off. Also many modern commercial airplanes have an ‘auto-land’ facility. But you’ll still have to switch it on.
2. Talk/scream at someone
Get on the pilot’s headset and let air traffic control know that there’s an idiot manoeuvring this enormous, cylindrical, metal cigar of death. You don’t have to be that poetic. Unless they are in a bad mood, they’ll clear the local airspace and help you get down safely. If you can’t find anyone the emergency radio frequency is 121.5 MHz. Heart is 102.6FM.
3. Find the stick
It’s not a joystick you plum. The stick that steers the plane is called a ‘yoke’ and it should be right in front of you. She’s a sensitive mistress, so no wild tugging or pushing is required. If the plane is going up or down (especially down) just move the yoke a few inches in the relevant to stabilise. There should be a big dial in the centre of the control panel, showing the horizon. That’s your altitude indicator. Keep the wings on the dial level with the artificial horizon. Look for the ‘autopilot’ button on the control panel and press it. On a Boeing it should be marked ‘CMD’. Unless you’re feeling adventurous.
4. Speed
Ok, now take a look around. Other than that uneaten Kit-Kat you’ve got your eye on, there should be a large lever or handle to your right. That’s your throttle. And then take a peek at the top left of the instrument panel where you should spot the airspeed indicator. Keep the indicator’s needle in the ‘green zone’ for safe flight. As you approach your destination (oh, I do hope it’s somewhere nice!) you’ll be needing to slow down. You pull back on the throttle, keep an eye on the airspeed dial, plus the yoke forward a touch and dip the plane’s flaps. That’s right, I said flaps.
5. Wheels
Get this baby flying at about 185 miles per hour and when you’re four miles away from your landing spot, drop the wheels. Look for the landing gear handle, which should hopefully be to the right of the centre console. Don’t bother with all this malarkey if you are landing on water. Keep the landing gear up and belly flop the plane, imagining all the fun you are going to have when you get on those inflatable slides.
6. Landing spot
Hopefully, wherever you’re planning to land has an airport/runway element to it. But if that’s impossible or inconvenient, then you may have to aim for a large road or field or car park. Try to avoid power lines, trees and primary schools. The man on the radio will probably have some thoughts on this. Listen to them.
7. Slowing down
Try to keep your descent to about 700 feet per minute, with the plane reaching an almost indolent 135MPH. Boeings also have reverse thrust to get you slowing down. These are bars behind the throttle. Yank the bars back and the thrust will reversed, helping you slow. If you still seem to be travelling at quite a clip, pull the throttle back as far as possible. There are also various slats and flaps which help control speed. These are normally found to the right of the throttle.
8. Landing
When you can see the runway, field or road you are about to land on, keep the plane as level as possible. You’ll be wanting to keep the nose of the aircraft up, so you can ‘flare’. Yes, you’ve got flare, obviously, but this sort of flare ensures the plane lands on the front wheels first. Once the wheels hit the tarmac, the brakes should automatically kick in and you screech to a delightful halt. If not, step on the brakes, which are on the tops of the pedals down by your feet. And bingo, you’re down! Now is the time to tell people not to get up until the aircraft doors are open. Then you can just wait an extraordinary long time, not allowing anyone to get off, in that spiteful way pilots do. Hurrah!
This post has been painstakingly researched and created by Hayley, a freelance writer working on behalf of vouchercloud.com. If this ‘how-to’ has left you longing for your next adventure, travel for less with vouchercloud’s exclusive offers and discounts on Holidays, Flights, Trains, Hotels and more.
NB: This is intended to be an entertaining guide to how to land a boeing plane – do not operate any ~3000lb, multi-million $, birds of steel unless you are qualified to do so.