A Couple Insights! Way Huge!
Restored from the Empower Network archive (2011–2017), lightly edited to meet our current advertising standards. Views are the original author’s.
30Aug2012Th I seem to be experiencing the most astonishing revelations! Yee haw! Wah hoo! Hurrah! I am referring to begin with the one I had in asking dad the money question and then the one last night (detailed in today’s Thank Thee paragraphs) wherein I understood fully and thoroughly and amazingly something I had never understood before that feels (and has felt for forty years) so huge, and that is that I unerringly drew to me (like a magnet) a man who could not accept my body as it was and asked before asking me if I could marry him if I could lose (as I had lost on Survival already fourteen pounds) another ten pounds.
I had been not accepting of my body for at least the last three years of High School (having on my bedroom walls (all four nearly covered) pictures of models from Seventeen magazine (how had my father put up with that!) and the following years at U I’m pretty sure seeing all the co-eds around me I’d had the same mindset that I needed to lose weight and then that stupid first fiance commenting about my weight change after survival the way he did.
Well, I’m sure I can dredge up way more evidence of “being always at the opposite end of the stick” and building resistance, rather than releasing it. I think I’m understanding more and more why those who lose a hundred pounds or more (and in some cases smaller amounts that still feel way significant to them) find it so very truly life and game changing.
I’m guessing that in large part what is so life changing is being able to find a way to release the resistance to it and to maintain that non-resistance long enough to MANIFEST something so vitally important and huge to them! So, anyway, I precede, finally, with my wherein!
I am undeniably and unbelievably thrilled (out of my socks) to have come to the point in my life where several important things can happen simply because I have realized I am at 150#. As I lay on my bed last night speaking my I AM and “waxing eloquent” over how delightful it felt to realize that 150# had clearly been my body’s selection for “good, healthy” weight decades ago and how I could really enjoy the difference in how I felt not just accepting that but loving it, I began to have one of those “past (in this) life” wanderings I’ve experienced before where I realized seeing that home I had enjoyed so very much in my High School years.
As I wandered and reveled and pictured and felt the impact of one of my choices then and how far reaching those choices had become, how many years of vitriolic bad humor, I might say, had imprinted on my psyche as a result (hmm, and for some the devastating experiences with anorexia and bulimia had ensued), I started to feel the enveloping, spreading light of understanding.
It had NOT been DONE to me. I had CREATED it and I had DONE it to myself. Thus, then, (hm-ff) I could UNDO it! Not only could I undo It! I could feel myself in the very process of undoing it! Thrill, thrill, thrill. I AM, indeed, most certainly and most assuredly, 150#! Wahoo! 30Aug2012