Tip – Toeing Lightly Through Myself
Restored from the Empower Network archive (2011–2017), lightly edited to meet our current advertising standards. Views are the original author’s.
I’ve just learned that a truly special friend of mine passed away a month ago tomorrow. There is nothing quite like learning you are too late.
She and her husband were instrumental in saving my life a number of years ago. I feel more out of the loop than ever. I have lost and/or left behind far too much that I love, cherish, value. I attribute most of that to my bipolar aspects but am looking deeper and deeper.
Earlier this day I was listening to an audio on beliefs or understanding them. I found the position the speaker took very helpful to my understanding things that went on in my clinical depressions.
I pictured a mental backdrop in my mind made up of beliefs, the majority of them false or limiting or diminishing beliefs stirring up a muddy soup from whence negative thoughts sprang and spawned more of the same like rabbits when life became overwhelming to me.
It is awe inspiring how powerful thoughts are. I remember the first time it was pointed out to me that nothing, absolutely nothing existed without thought first. To realize it is thoughts that creates entire worlds, galaxies, universes and then to begin to notice in me that once the thought is there, then action can and often does (unless I somehow stop it) follow – whoa!
That is, it is awe inspiring unless it is not. It is not when thoughts crowd in on the sickly or miserable or simply unprepared mind, and in a feeding frenzy around thoughts of unworthiness, distribute negativity until life has no desirability.
I am so grateful to live in a time when so much is available to me. Understanding matters very much to me. As I listen to seminars where others can ask questions, I know I am not alone in that.
Five years ago, I decided I wanted to be amongst the few (they say the number is miniscule) who, as time went on, were safely able to live their lives without medication for bipolar illness. I actually felt I did well for a time, but then after my mother’s passing I spent a month in a town where I knew no one and worked long hours, coming back to a motel room to my sweet, delightful (but non-English speaking miniature Pinscher).
Following that I continued to spend time of varying numbers of days in other towns where I knew no one as the temperature heated up. One day I made the ninety minute trip back home, walked in my house (I think maybe even leaving the car door open) went to bed and never went out even to walk my loving and lovely dog. Next I ended up in a hospital mental ward.
It’s only recently that I have begun to think again of achieving wellness to a point of being able to live without the medication. Not to worry, I would be receptive to lots of help and continued close monitoring.
You may ask why wouldn’t I simply accept things the way they are. It is because I want so much to understand and, then, if possible, rectify where things went wrong. What a truly helpful thing if I could accomplish that and then make available to others something that would right the mind. I have to say if this line of reasoning could finally start some comments, that alone would be worth it.
I still want to be great, love sharing with you and will blog again soon. anacarin