{"id":129,"date":"2013-08-27T00:00:00","date_gmt":"2013-08-27T00:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/empowernetwork.com\/monarda\/how-asparagus-got-its-name-a-childs-story\/"},"modified":"2013-08-27T00:00:00","modified_gmt":"2013-08-27T00:00:00","slug":"how-asparagus-got-its-name-a-childs-story","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/empowernetwork.com\/monarda\/how-asparagus-got-its-name-a-childs-story\/","title":{"rendered":"How Asparagus Got Its Name \u2013 A Child\u2019s Story"},"content":{"rendered":"

If you love funny stories involving children, you\u2019ll love this one sent to me by a friend \u2014 How Asparagus Got Its Name \u2013 A Child\u2019s Story<\/strong>.\u00a0 A sixth grade child was assigned homework which was to write a book report on the entire Bible<\/em>.\u00a0 What he wrote is a very abbreviated version of the Bible<\/em>, which might be titled \u201cThe Children\u2019s Bible in a Nutshell\u201d<\/p>\n

Here is How Asparagus Got Its Name \u2013 A Child\u2019s Story<\/h2>\n

\u201cIn the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness and some gas.\u00a0 The Bible<\/em> says, \u2018The Lord thy God is one,\u2019 but I think he is a lot older than that.<\/p>\n

Anyway, God said, \u2018Give me a light!\u2019 and someone did.<\/p>\n

Then God made the world.<\/p>\n

He split Adam and made Eve.\u00a0 Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren\u2019t embarrassed because mirrors hadn\u2019t been invented yet.<\/p>\n

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.\u00a0 Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn\u2019t have cars.<\/p>\n

Adam and Eve had a son Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.\u00a0 Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.<\/p>\n

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was a kind of a Ham.\u00a0 Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it.\u00a0 He asked other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.<\/p>\n

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.\u00a0 Jacob was more famous than his brother, Essau, because Essau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.\u00a0 Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.<\/p>\n

Another really important Bible<\/em> guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.\u00a0 Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh\u2019s people.\u00a0 These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.<\/p>\n

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.\u00a0 Then he gave them his Top Ten Commandments.\u00a0 These include: don\u2019t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covert your neighbor\u2019s stuff.<\/p>\n

Oh yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.<\/p>\n

One of Moses\u2019 best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible <\/em>guy to use spies.\u00a0 Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell down over the town.<\/p>\n

After Joshua came David.\u00a0 He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot.\u00a0 He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines.\u00a0 My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn\u2019t sound very wise to me.<\/p>\n

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.\u00a0 One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.<\/p>\n

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don\u2019t have to worry about them.<\/p>\n

After the Old Testament came the New Testament.\u00a0 Jesus is the star of the New Testament.\u00a0 He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.\u00a0 (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, \u2018Close the door! Were you born in a barn?\u2019\u00a0 It would be nice to say, \u2018As a matter of fact, I was.\u2019<\/p>\n

During his life Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.\u00a0 Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus.\u00a0 Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.<\/p>\n

Jesus was a great man.\u00a0 He healed many leopards and even preached to many Germans on the mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot.\u00a0 Pilot didn\u2019t stick up for Jesus.\u00a0 He just washed his hands instead.<\/p>\n

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.\u00a0 He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.\u00a0 His return is foretold in the book of the Revolution.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

Now that you\u2019ve read How Asparagus Got Its Name \u2013 A Child\u2019s Story<\/em>, here is another story \u2014 a video<\/span><\/a> \u2014 about a 19-year-old young man who retired to Thailand to live the life of his dreams.<\/h3>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

Now that you\u2019ve watched the video, won\u2019t you join us in the Empower Network? Do it! Sign up now!here<\/span><\/a><\/span>, now!<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

Here is our disclosure statement.<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

If you love funny stories involving children, you\u2019ll love this one sent to me by a friend \u2014 How Asparagus Got Its Name \u2013 A Child\u2019s Story.\u00a0 A sixth grade child was assigned homework which was to write a book report on the entire Bible.\u00a0 What he wrote is a very abbreviated version of the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1053,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[146,147,148,149,150,151,152,153,154,155,156,157,158,159,160],"class_list":["post-129","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-empower-network","tag-the-childrens-bible-in-a-nutshell","tag-19-year-old-young-man-who-retired-to-thailand","tag-abel","tag-adam-and-eve-disobeyed-god","tag-adam-and-eve-had-a-son-cain","tag-adam-and-eve-were-naked","tag-after-joshua-came-david","tag-another-really-important-bible-guy-is-moses","tag-driven-from-the-garden-of-eden","tag-essau-sold-jacob-his-birthmark","tag-god-made-the-world","tag-how-asparagus-got-its-name-a-childs-story","tag-jacob-had-a-son-named-joseph","tag-jesus-died-for-our-sins","tag-jesus-is-the-star-of-the-new-testament"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/empowernetwork.com\/monarda\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/129","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/empowernetwork.com\/monarda\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/empowernetwork.com\/monarda\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/empowernetwork.com\/monarda\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1053"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/empowernetwork.com\/monarda\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=129"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/empowernetwork.com\/monarda\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/129\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/empowernetwork.com\/monarda\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=129"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/empowernetwork.com\/monarda\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=129"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/empowernetwork.com\/monarda\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=129"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}